Lady Gagas great; yeah ...good looking fella.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some peoples eyes.

You can say what you like about pacifism.

They say the camera adds 10lbs... Stop eating fucking cameras!

Swimming's good for you, especially if you're drowning, not only do you get a good cardiovascular workout, you also, don't die

It's been 19 years since the disaster at Chernobyl. Am I the only one surprised?... still no superheroes?

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "alright, fatty."

I once bought a book for my girlfriend called 'Women who love too much'; I think the title could be shortened, to just 'sluts'

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".

Jimmy Carr ---