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My
parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to
sleep at night.
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when
I was
two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I
looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something
funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school..."
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said,
"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right,
but we won't get much done."
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most
of our
family holidays in Customs.
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its
hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well.
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
someone in the face.
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax.
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a
plumber".
I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things
that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to
pee on people. That put me right off him.
My hot water heaters packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle
and a load of saucepans... Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got
in.
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that
Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious,
but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means
is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
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