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Problems
with your beer?
SYMPTOM:
Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling.
SYMPTOM:
Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog and complain about house training.
SYMPTOM:
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you more beer.
SYMPTOM:
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar.
SYMPTOM:
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless. Front of shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gents and practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM:
Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you more beer.
SYMPTOM:
Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM:
Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM:
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on someone cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM:
Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Someone is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch them.
SYMPTOM:
Don’t recognise anyone or the room you are in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM:
Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
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