THE OFFICIAL DRINKING SCALE

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.
2 - Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.
5 - Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise foolproof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the French.
6 - Feel like a demigod. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.
8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9 - Headache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say that's much better. Fight nausea by trying to play fruit machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.
12 - Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.