• Tommy: "There she was, a goddess in a Pearl Jam T-shirt

• Tommy: "We're all a bit of a dick. It's the human condition. Nothing to be afraid of..."

• Tommy: "You know why they never found any weapons of mass destruction? Because I've got 'em all in the back of the van."

• Raymond: "I got the sack because they found vomit in the store room and I got the blame because I was out the night before. It wasn't me. It was the special needs lad on work-experience. I didn't say anything because he couldn't help it. He had a spastic stomach."

• Tommy: "Y'know something, you're orange! ! Y- y- you're physically orange. You could work for the 'phone company... Orange!"

• Crusty (animal rights protester): "Listen to me, it ain't fair: shooting pigeons. I mean, they ain't got a gun, have they?"
  Tommy: "And I don't have wings. And I don't shit on other people's property. Well, you do daft things as a student, don't you?"

• Tommy talking about dance music:"If I want to hear electronic bleeps and farts, I'll put my foot through the windscreen of the Rascal and listen to the alarm going off."

• Finance sales rep: "Have you thought about consolidating all of your credit cards into one low cost repayment?"
  Tommy: "No, but I've thought of caning them all into the red and then fakin' me own death..!"

• Vicky: "Wow. That's beautiful on the back of your jacket."
  Tommy: "Designed by a native American."
  Vicky: "Oh. What's it say?"
  Tommy: "Born to kill".
  Vicky: "Kill what? Moths?".

• Tommy on Mötley Crüe: "I tend to find them a bit...shit.
  Tommy to Raymond after the neighbour has left: "Mötley Crüe? What does he think I am, 14?

• Magz: Would you like to come upstairs?
  Tommy: In the words of an ex-Doobie Brother, "Ya Mo Be There"

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